Marshmellow Fluff

It's Time!!!

2009-04-04T10:49:00.001-07:00

I have decided to move. My blog that is. This pea soup decor has worn on my nerves so please visit my NEW BLOG at http://www.marshmellowfluffstuff.com

Hope to see you there!

Warts but With No Frogs to Show For It

2009-04-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

The fact that I wore huge bifocals as a kid wasn't enough for "God" to gift me with. He apparently was feeling generous on the day of my creation and decided that one deficiency wasn't enough for me to overcome. So, to add further injury to my optically challenged insult, I was also stricken with mountain sized warts.

My first one was the size of an eraser head and, since it resided in the palm of my left hand, was hide able. I reasoned that it began one day when a rose thorn pricked me in the exact spot that was now adorned with a scalloped wart. Upon it's discovery I contemplated moving away to an island for rejects, but I found my life could continue as per usual. I quickly adapted and learned how to hide my wart. When washing my hands in public I was careful not to tilt my hand so that someone could spot it. And, given my huge bifocals, I surely wasn't going to be holding a boy's hand anytime soon so I didn't have to bother worrying about being discovered that way either. It wasn't long before my mom took me to the doctor and with his Frankenstein-like contraption he burned my wart off with a beam of electricity. The smell of victory was sweet and similar to the smell of burning flesh.

And then, in a matter of a few months they spread. Little by little the cauliflower offenders began to sprout up like a canvas over the top of my left hand. One wart was manageable, but now, every morning I awoke to find another cluster. They would start out as little unoffensive bumps that quickly grew in size. They reminded me of the sponge capsules you would put into a dish with water that would expand into a huge sponge creature where the little pill once was. I would stare at my hands every night before bedtime trying to commit their size to memory. Every morning I awoke to find the clusters were growing larger. I had dreams of them overtaking my entire body until I was one huge wart monster terrorizing the town folk.

As they grew they inevitably became harder to hide. When I was in class writing at my desk I would cover my left hand with my right hand as I wrote, successfully masking all 8 warts that covered the top of my left hand, but looking autistic and strange as I did so. Being left handed called enough attention to me, now I was the strange lefty who held the pencil with both hands. I was able to do this for one grade level and then, over the summer, they began sprouting up all over my right hand.

By the end of summer I looked at my plagued hands and cried. It was the end of my 5th grade year and I had hoped, in vain, for a new beginning in junior high. Unlike most other girls who would wish on stars to kiss a boy or get a pony, my wishes were for pretty hands and 20/20 vision.

I had tried everything to get rid of them. Given, this was many years before the invention of the Internet, I was reliant upon simple here say about how to eradicate warts. Since it was a topic that I would only talk about to my family, my main source was my grandfather. His advice - wait for a night when there is a full moon and on that night cut a tomato in half and stand naked in the backyard smashing the tomato onto all of my warts. Spin around in a circle and scream as loud as I could, "warts be gone, warts be gone". Thankfully, had it not been for my fear of public nudity, I may have attempted this ritual.

The thought of returning from summer as an even uglier 6th grader had reduced me to tears. Soon I was crying so hard, the kind of crying that you make that funny stuttered breathing sound, that I hadn't noticed my dad had walked into the room. If you knew my dad, you would understand that his ability to deal with an adolescent girl was right up there with his ability to swallow fire. There was nothing more out of his comfort zone than trying to deal with emotions, let alone mine.

Given that modern day health care escaped my father and that his idea of first aid was sewing his own finger back on with a needle and fishing line, it was no surprise that I found myself driving with him in his van to his "doctor friend's" office with a Thermos in my lap. I didn't question where we were going, all I knew was my dad was determined to get me to stop crying and that was enough for me. So I followed him, like a trusting and hopeful puppy into the waiting area as he gave the receptionist his name and muttered something about being a friend of the doctors and that, "he would know what it was regarding". Within minutes the doctor asked for us to come back and we were ushered into one of the patient rooms. He came in behind us and asked me for the Thermos. I hoped he wasn't asking for it because he was thirsty and cursed myself for not thinking to fill it with something before we left the house. Quickly my Thermos and the doctor left the room. I sat there in silence wondering what sort of exchange my father had worked out with this strange doctor and why the doctor was more interested in my Thermos than he was with seeing my warts. Soon he came back in the room and handed me the Thermos which was cold to the touch. "Be careful not to spill it on yourself" he said to me with a chuckle which was a cause for concern on my part. He and my dad exchanged awkward pleasantries and my dad and I left.

On the way home I held the Thermos tightly wondering what magical liquid the good doctor had filled it with. Was I supposed to drink it? Maybe it was a syrup I would drink and would kill all the warts. I imagined with great satisfaction the warts drying up and falling away from my hands leaving silky skin in their place. When we got home my dad positioned a chair over the sink in the kitchen and then dropped a handful of Q-tips on a paper towel next to the Thermos. "Just dip them in the dry ice and then press them on your warts. I'm going to watch TV, call me if you need anything." And with that my dad left his 10 year old daughter with a Thermos of dry ice and shaky hands.

I dipped the Q-tip cautiously into the bubbling frosting liquid and then stared at it for a moment before lightly touching it to the surface of the largest wart. It didn't hurt as much as I had imagined so I pushed the tip down with more force and it made a sizzling sound. I grit my teeth tightly together as electric jolts of pain radiated in my wart and up through my arm. At first, the pain caught me off guard but then, the hatred and anger towards them and all they plagued me with took over and I began finding joy in the possibility. I imagined myself wart-free for the first time in years. I imagined writing papers at my desk with ease, with nothing to hide from anyone. First, I focused on the warts on my right hand since I was naturally a lefty and could hold the Q-tip with more precision. After 40 minutes, I held my shaky right hand up and admired the beauty. The white cauliflower masses were now purple and blue suffocated masses encircled by red inflamed rings. Then my shaky and battered right hand enthusiastically grabbed a Q-tip and retaliated with brutal force. By the time I was done my hands looked more tragic than ever but I knew it was a sign of greater things to come.

I went to bed that night with throbbing hands. Stronger than my desire to cry from the pain, was my satisfaction. That night I dreamt of the town folk raging up against the wart monster that had plagued them for many moons. Tired of being the victim of his torment they carried flaming torches into the night. They tracked down the wart monster and backed him into a dark alley. The wart monster screamed as they burned him with their torches and then the screams began to fade...the wart monster was dead.

And they all lived happily ever after...

Worry Wart

2009-03-31T10:25:00.000-07:00

On weekend nights, when my mom was out on a date, I would sit in the stairwell and cry. I would do it quietly so that my grandma couldn't hear me, and so she wouldn't ask questions. I worried that she would hear me and ask what was wrong and I wouldn't have a good answer. I was born with worry lines already etched into my forehead. I was an incessant worrier and my earliest memories were plagued by worst case scenario thoughts. In addition to my red hair, I also inherited my pension for worrying from my grandmother.

I never knew what set off the bad thoughts. Most likely all the TV I watched made my brain think life had to be drenched in drama for it to be interesting and live able. On this particular night, I was tormented by the Highway to Heaven episode. Michael Landon had come to earth to be there for a little girl whose mom had died in a tragic car accident. Ten minutes before my grandma sent me to bed, my eyes were glued to the televised image of a bloody hand hanging outside of the smashed upside down station wagon. In my adolescent mind Pandora's Box of possibility opened and I couldn't ignore the fact that my mom was out there in the scary world, and even worse, driving. It was then I decided her fate was undoubtedly going to be the same as this drama series actress' fate...enter incessant worrying.

So there I sat in the stairway with dreary images circling my influential mind, my eyes glazing over as I fought off sleep, waiting for the inevitable late night phone call. At least that is how it always happened in the movies. The phone would ring, my mom would be in a coma and my grandma would rush my brother and I in our pajamas to the hospital to muster our last goodbyes. Just when I was about to score the music for my mental drama the key turned in the door and my mom was home! I quickly and quietly scurried up the stairs into my bedroom and drifted off to the kind of deep sleep that only 3 hours of crying could bring.

Out of everyone I worried about, my mom was the starring and recurring role. When I was away from her I would worry it was the last time I would see her. Right after she dropped me off at school I would watch her drive away as I tried to fight away the surge of fear that gripped me. Every day was another attempt to make it through 7 straight hours consumed by thoughts of how I was going to handle being an orphan.

In junior high and high school I passed on a lot of the antics that my friends were wrapped up in. I didn't want to smoke because I was scared it was going to fill my lungs with Cancer on the first inhale leaving my mom with the pain of caring for a dying child. I didn't want to sneak out of the house because if my mom found out she would be plagued with worry and driven to searching for me in the night, which would undoubtedly lead to her getting in a fiery car crash (seriously, that Highway to Heaven episode really stuck with me)!

I was always worried about losing the things I cherished most and my mom was on the highest tier. I couldn't imagine my life without a mom who would break out into "I Feel Pretty" mid-laundry folding with underwear on her head. Life without a mom who threw the coolest Gingerbread House making birthday parties for me. Life without a mom who would make microwaved fluffy butter eggs for me when I was sick. I couldn't imagine it, but I did, every second of every day.

As an adult, I still worry. I have learned how to manage my worrying so it isn't all consuming and I have done my best to try and flex my optimism so that my positivity muscles become stronger than my doom and gloom tendencies. But each day is a battle...I shall not lie.

When I was younger, I would tell my mom that when I grew up I was going to live with her forever. This sentiment was probably less about my wanting to live with her and more about making sure I was ever present so I could attempt to keep anything bad from ever happening to her. While it was a sweet gesture it was only that, I moved out of the house when I was 17.

When people find out that I moved out at such a young age they assume it was because I couldn't wait to get away from my mom. It was, in fact, the exact opposite. My mom is the epidemy of strength and Independence and in that sense I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to be just as strong as she was and the desire to take care of myself and be independent was more important than my irrational fear of being away from her.

I have come to realize that my unrelenting fear and worry over my mom was simply because I couldn't imagine life without her. As an adult, I still can't. About six years ago my mom moved 5 1/2 hours away. Coming from a family that is relatively small and one that always resided 10 minutes away from each other, this was a huge and scary adjustment. It is tough not having her around. Not only is she one of my favorite people, but she is also so much fun to be with. I miss being able to see her all the time and being able to do mom and daughter outings with her. Sometimes I will see mom's and their daughters together shopping or having coffee on a Sunday afternoon and it makes me ache for my mom. I wish she was close enough for me to drive to her house or to make last minute plans with.

Like any mom and daughter, we've had our share of ups and downs but my love and admiration for her is constant. Sure, I poke fun at her...the way she dances, the way she cackles when she laughs, but that is only inspired by sheer awe because with each passing day I become more and more like my mom and that...is a beautiful thing.

Veggie Grill

2009-03-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

Granted, I am not overly cultured and I don't consider myself to be one of "those kinds of people" who gravitate towards the finer things in life BUT I do know one thing...and that thing is food.

My mother raised me on a fine diet of ice cream breakfasts and Hungry Man dinners doused in butter and salt. Over the past 10 years, my eating habits have become healthier and thankfully, more well-rounded. The more I have learned about food and how sugar/chemicals and preservatives come into play with long-term health, healthy food has become even more delicious to me. Knowing I am eating good food that is good for my total wellness makes eating it so much nicer.

Years back I attended a seminar about Candida at Mother's Market. During the speakers presentation she spoke about her son who suffered from ADD and Autism. Her journey into wellness was started through her desire to increase her son's quality of life. As she began researching autism, she found overwhelming studies which showed how red food dye #40 a.k.a Carmine, Crimson Lake ,Cochineal, Carminic acid, Carmines ,and Natural Red 4 as additive E 120, Cochineal, Natural Red 4, C.I. 75470, and E120 (present in MOST processed foods) was a huge factor in manifesting symptoms of autism and ADD. She decided to eliminate her son's intake of all processed foods containing red food dye. This isn't an easy thing to do because it is present in so many foods everyday children eat such as; Cheetos, Jello, Chips-a-Hoy Cookies...pretty much anything you find in the inner isles of the grocery stores--contains red food dye. She successfully managed her son's food and within 6 months his symptoms were significantly decreased and she was able to take him to a much lower dose of medication.

I liken food to being like the fuel or oil we put in our cars. The cheaper the gas, the less efficient our cars run. The lower the grade of oil...well to be honest I am not sure what that does to cars, I am a chick and my car knowledge only extends so far. But metaphorically, you see where I am going here.

Eating healthier is a tough thing to do in today's world. Organic foods are more expensive, fruits and veggies have a shorter shelf life. Packing lunches for your loved ones requires more preparation and sometimes, I agree, it is easier to throw a Lunchable in a backpack than it is to make a salad or sandwich. I don't think healthy living means you have to do away with all foods you have grown to love, but it does require a healthy balance. If you put healthy food into your body 80% of the time and the other 20% is filled with food you eat during birthdays, holidays and the occasional weekends you are still doing a great service to your body and to your health.

One of my biggest current food loves is a delicious and magical place called Veggie Grill. While there are only 3 locations currently, 2 in OC and 1 in LA, I would venture to say there will be more sprouting up soon.

Veggie Grill is fresh and vegan cuisine made up to be so yummy that the non-vegan patron would be none the wiser. Their menu ranges from hard core vegan tastes like the All Kale Salad (which, mind you, I would eat every day 3 times a day if I were a millionaire and could afford to do so) to their more mainstream cuisine like Sweetheart Fries which when dipped in the chipotle ranch is AMAZING.

My boyfriend has even found something he loves there, which is saying a lot since his idea of culinary magic is Mountain Dew and Slim Jim's. While it took him a moment to warm up to the idea of eating Vegan cuisine (for a while he would eat next store at Chipotle's while I ate Veggie Grill) he has discovered something he enjoys, the vegetarian chili. Veggie Grill is a wonderful alternative to eating fast food and given that it is fresh, chemical free and organic it is very reasonably priced. Try Veggie Grill and let me know how delicious you think it is!

And, if you are feeling frisky I would suggest the vegan carrot cake. It is delicious!

Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes

2009-03-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

In the wee morning hours of my boyfriend, Paul's birthday and after his friends broke in to kidnap him to take him golfing and after they dressed him in a sexy black dress, I sat in silence after the mayhem and thought, "what better way to greet the morning then to bake him something yummy to help him welcome 30!"

The only thing more inappropriate than the name of these cupcakes (that's if you are easy to offend) is baking these cupcakes for say, a work function. Although they don't have enough alcohol in them to give you a buzz (1 cup of Guinness, 1 shot of Bushmills and 2 shots of Baileys) the Bailey's frosting does taste potent enough to give you a placebo buzz.

These cupcakes combine all the things that make up delicious; beer, chocolate and Bailey's. I knew they were perfect for Paul's birthday as his b-day theme seemed to be Irish Car Bomb shots. Being the good girlfriend I am, I thought I would make a cupcake that could serve as a chaser.

Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes -

Adapted (barely) from www.smittenkitchen.com

Most of the alcohol in this recipe gets baked out since the Guinness is mixed into the cupcake batter, the Bailey's frosting however is potent, so if you are making these for people who aren't fans of delicious alcohol - - then let me make 2 suggestions, 1. you may want to use cream instead and 2. you may consider new friends.

I love cupcakes with tons of frosting and found that this recipe didn't create enough so I was left frantically scrounging to find enough butter to make a second batch. I heed you this warning to let you know that if you are like me and love mountains of frosting on your cupcakes, buy enough ingredients to double or even triple your icing recipe.

Makes 24-30 cupcakes

For the Guinness Chocolate Cupcakes

1 cup stout (such as Guinness)

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (preferably Dutch-process)

2 cups all purpose flour

2 cups sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

3/4 teaspoon salt

2 large eggs

2/3 cup sour cream

Ganache Filling

8 ounces bittersweet chocolate

2/3 cup heavy cream

2 tablespoons butter, room temperature

1 to 2 teaspoons Irish whiskey (optional)

Baileys Frosting

3 to 4 cups confections sugar

1 stick (1/2 cup or 4 ounces) unsalted butter, at room temperature

1 shot of Baileys (or milk, or heavy cream, or a combination thereof)

Make the cupcakes: Preheat oven to 350°F. Line 24 cupcake cups with liners. Bring 1 cup stout and 1 cup butter to simmer in heavy large saucepan over medium heat. Add cocoa powder and whisk until mixture is smooth. Cool slightly.

Whisk flour, sugar, baking soda, and 3/4 teaspoon salt in large bowl to blend. Using electric mixer, beat eggs and sour cream in another large bowl to blend. Add stout-chocolate mixture to egg mixture and beat just to combine. Add flour mixture and beat briefly on slow speed. Using rubber spatula, fold batter until completely combined. Divide batter among cupcake liners, filling them 2/3 to 3/4 of the way. Bake cake until tester inserted into center comes out clean, rotating them once front to back if your oven bakes unevenly, about 17 minutes. Cool cupcakes on a rack completely.

Make the filling: Chop the chocolate and transfer it to a heatproof bowl. Heat the cream until simmering and pour it over the chocolate. Let it sit for one minute and then stir until smooth. (If this has not sufficiently melted the chocolate, you can put it for 20 seconds in the microwave, watching carefully) Add the butter and whiskey (if you’re using it) and stir until combined.

Fill the cupcakes: Let the ganache cool until thick but still soft enough to be piped (the fridge will speed this along but you must stir it every 10 minutes). Meanwhile, using your 1-inch round cookie cutter or an apple corer, cut the centers out of the cooled cupcakes-- I found that equally as easy is to press your index finger into the cupcakes being careful not to poke too far down--and also after washing your hands as I am sure you have been licking them at some point. Put the ganache into a piping bag with a wide tip and fill the holes in each cupcake to the top. (***see my Ziploc bag suggestion below)

Make the frosting: Whip the butter in the bowl of an electric mixer, or with a hand mixer, for several minutes. You want to get it very light and fluffy. Slowly add the powdered sugar, a few tablespoons at a time. If the icing begins to clump up - don't worry once you add the Bailey's it will smooth back out. Once the icing is thick enough it is ready to be spread onto the cupcakes awaiting!

Ice and decorate the cupcakes.

*I haven't ever gotten around to purchasing a professional icing bag like my mom uses to decorate her cheesecakes with. I use a large Ziploc baggie with a tiny snip cut out of the corner of it. Voila - MacGyver Icer, works like a dream!

Happy Birthday Paul!

2009-03-20T13:30:00.001-07:00

You know you are loved when your friends arrange with your girlfriend to break in and kidnap you in the wee morning hours. Needless to say, Paul...you are very loved. And also needless to say, I am sure the other refined golfers were taken back by the strange lady with an amazing golf game on the course this morning.

The Debt That Plagues Us

2009-03-12T13:01:00.001-07:00

I have been struggling - no drowning is more accurate - in debt for the past decade, or so it feels like a decade. A sick dog here, a broken down car there, that pizza back in 1998...I am still paying for all of it. In today's economy, I am paying an even higher price considering that APR continues to climb and minimum payments are on the rise. We are on the verge of a credit crisis and I am on the verge of a financial stress meltdown---my situation is not Madoff worthy, but in my little world it may as well be!

I am trying to stay positive because when I stress about money, oddly enough I care less about money, so I spend haphazardly and we all know that $5 here and $10 there ends up being a tremendous mound of debt if not manged properly. I have let go of the hopeless dreams that I will win the lottery - because - let's be honest, chances are I would just charge the lotto tickets if I could.

Debt consumes much of my thoughts during the day. I write budgets down, I try to create a math formula to manipulate the numbers trying desperately to find some feasible way to pay off all my debt before Easter. And every time, I come up with nothing. Because fact separated from fiction, my only choice is to stop the madness of debt and go about it the old fashioned way (contrary to popular belief - that isn't marrying into money).

Here is what I know about paying off debt:

1. Pay more than the minimum balance owed - if you only pay the minimum you end up paying the debt for the rest of your life and when all is said and done you paid the same amount of money that it costs to buy a small island in Fiji.

2. Try to get them to lower your APR - This process is scarier than calling that special stranger you met in the bar last weekend. You sit there with a script in front of you, you practice your lines out loud before making the call and no matter what it always ends up being an awkward conversation. But in the end it's worth it and can have great benefits...translation-it can potentially save you money.

3. Pay off the lowest debt first if possible - so you can eventually pay a lump sum to just one card - contrary to the popular belief that the best way is to pay off the one with the highest interest rate.

4. STOP using the cards - If I followed #4, there would be no blog post about this matter.

5. Try to hold onto sanity - If I was sane there would be no blog post about this matter.

And the most important lesson I have learned is---

NO matter how much money you make it is never enough - I keep thinking that if I just made $20,000 more a year I would be just fine...case and point - I started saying that minus $40,000 ago and I am still saying it. UNLESS you manage your finances and stick to a budget and don't use credit cards to buy things you can't afford, then all the money in the world will NEVER be enough!

I don't have a closet full of expensive clothes or designer purses, but that is no excuse - - even worse - - it's a terrible excuse because all that means is I have nothing to show for my debt but debt itself. The debt has outlasted whatever I have spent it on. Minus my doggy Jack, his health is a big ole' chunk of my debt and he is still alive and well.

What I vow to do:

1- Stop charging - this means no more acupuncture treatments - - which is sad for me because they were really starting to help. It means no more charging that $20 top that I should just wait for the next pay period to go out and buy with cash. It means that when I am broke I am broke and credit can't help sustain me until the next paycheck.

2 - Let go of the dream that I can strip for 2 months to pay it all off because - let's be honest - I am too uncoordinated to walk in Lucite stilettos and black lights are too unforgiving on pale skin. My stripper pole opportunity ship has sailed long ago.

3 - Consider all options - This time I will go beyond consideration of selling my eggs, liver, spleen or kidneys. Body parts aside, there are other areas of spending I can cut. For example, I no longer visit Starbucks daily which has saved me $80 a month - when I first considered it though I was more convinced I could live without my liver than I could without my Starbucks.

4 - Repeat steps 1-3 until all the debt is gone.

I have no idea when I will get to the bottom of my debt but I know there is a bottom and I know I will get there...maybe not by Easter but someday!

I was running....

2009-03-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

"If I do this with my arms like this it fees like I am running at an incredible rate..." ahh Dumb and Dumber I love you!

Videos That Make Me Smile

2009-03-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

The endless Charlie-ism's.

It could have been worse, at least he didn't reenact the volleyball scene.

After all these years and still that stupid wink.

And another Charlie moment....sometimes it's like Paul and Charie have their own special language.

Breakfast with Baba

2009-03-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

I went to breakfast with my grandpa this morning. We started it off with a Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity at IHop and then went to sit at the beach for a little while so we could enjoy the sunshine.

Dream Doggy

2009-03-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

At least I am not alone with being plagued by all to vivid dreams at night. Poor puppy.

My Gammie, Mildred Catherine Stevens

2009-02-26T09:32:00.000-08:00

The best kind of person to have in your life is someone you have so many memories with it is impossible to recount every one. Ironically, that also makes them the hardest kind of person to lose. Even though my Gammie lived for 90 years and 7 months, I will never feel as if I had enough time to share with her.

We were always very close. My positioning with her was God given, if you will, favoritism attributed mostly to the fact that out of 4 grandchildren, I was the youngest and the only girl. But our connection was more than that. Growing up I always knew no moment was complete until I shared it with her. No news that I had was ever received with more enthusiasm than when I told my Gammie about it. No one thought I was prettier, smarter or more talented than my Gammie did. If I was teased at school - which I was, often - she was the first to tell me that the other kids were just jealous of me. And she said it with such conviction that sometimes I even believed her. When I would visit her, the first 10 minutes were filled with her telling me how pretty I was or how much she loved me. Everyone needs that kind of love in their life.
Without her in our life, my mom, my brother and I would have been lost. Some may think it unfortunate that my mom had to move back in with my grandparents when we were young. But it was an amazing gift and a time I will forever feel fortunate for. Living with my grandparents meant every day after school I came home to a bowl of M&M's, Nickelodeon and my Gammie who was always there to be with Erik and me. It meant that after school when everyone else was being picked up in their mom's mini vans, my brother and I got to be picked up by a black Camero by our Gammie who wore leather pants and dangly earrings. Gammie made my brother and I special and unique. Everyone wanted a grandma like ours. One who favored playing tennis and wearing Poison perfume over their grandmothers who knitted and smelled like old wool.

As I got older and moved out of the house my Grandma's house was where I would return to when I felt like my world was spinning out of control. It was the one place I had on this earth where I felt safe. And like all wonderful grandparents do, my Gammie would make sure when I would visit that I had enough to eat and when I left her house I always left with more than I came with. Whether it be a bag of groceries foraged from her cupboard, coupons, magazines, candy or a few extra dollars to help me out. Gammie was my haven and my soft place to land. After our visit together she would walk me out to my car and as I drove away I could always see her lips moving as she said her ritualistic prayer for me which she was convinced would keep me safe, "Wrap Stacy in white, with Saint Christopher and Saint Jude on her shoulders."

Right about a year before my Gammie began leave the house less and less, she and I would meet for coffee every Friday before I went into work and before she got her weekly haircut. We would spend an hour every Friday sitting and talking. I loved those visits.

Over the past few years my Gammie's sparkle began to fade. She has been in and out of the hospital countless times. Many of which we didn't think she would make it out from. Our visits of lengthy talks and catching up were replaced by her circle of questions, "Are you happy?", "What have been up to?", "What do you do for fun...see any good movies lately?" And those questions would be asked over and over for the entire span of our time together. It broke my heart to let go of her little by little. It broke my heart to see her legs swell with fluid, to hear her constant coughing and wheezing. My Gammie never wanted to be old. She never wanted to be sick and in pain. She was like lightning, strong, fiery and electric. But time had reduced her to less than that and I knew it made her sad. She was trapped in a body that didn't match her spirit. For 90, she looked amazing but for Gammie, she looked sick.

This Christmas, although my Gammie still wore her pretty Chico's outfit and was decked out in all her usual accessories. She had two new accessories that made my heart sick - an oxygen tank and a wheelchair. I knew it wasn't long until she would leave me....until she would leave us. But I just don't know how to let her go.

My Gammie is vibrant and sparkly. She would enter a room of strangers but would leave the room with friends. And I loved her so very much. I know she was hurting, I know she was sick. I know she wanted so badly to let go but no matter what, I am not ready. Even though I feel like I have been trying to prepare myself for years, I am not prepared for this. I am not ready to let her go or to let her fade away. To do that would mean I too fade away because so much of what I am is because of her. She knew how much I loved her, she knew how much she meant to me and I know how much she loved me - which is why letting her go is so hard.

Earned Income Tax Credit

2009-02-24T13:38:00.000-08:00

Given we are in the midst of tax season, I thought I would pass along a resource which may be of use to your family/friends. The government has a little known tax program called EITC. Returns from EITC can contribute a significant amount of money to families who are struggling during these financially challenging times. For qualifying families, the return could add as much as $4,824 to their 2008 annual income. If a family is qualified and has not claimed this credit in the last 2 years, they can receive as much as $14,076 for 2008. Typically any family with 2 dependants or more living on a $40,000 income or below will qualify.

If you know someone who could benefit from this they can ask their tax preparer to complete the form with their tax filings or they can go to http://www.irs.gov/individuals/article/0,,id=96466,00.html for more information. It is an easy process and could bring a lot of benefits to people, especially in these difficult economic times.

Pass it along!

Swingers Baby

2009-02-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

Ilya and I have a little piece of LA heaven and that place is called Swingers Diner.

Thanks But No Thanks for the Memories?

2009-02-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

There is a story in today's news about a new pill being tested by the Dutch that will erase painful memories or to frame it more accurately, it will block the unfortunate emotions tied to the event. The painful memories we have would essentially be replaced by feelings of numbness, happiness or even euphoria. The drug is being developed by the University of Amsterdam and is known as Propranolol, many may be familair with the liquid form of this drug...alcohol. I joke.
But seriously people, I have to wonder where we are headed as a "modern society". We live in a society that is more detached than it has ever been. Customer service is mostly automated, people text instead of calling each other, we learn how and what our friends are doing by reading their Facebook status'. Children spend hours on the computer, we watch countless hours of television. Even I am guilty of watching so many movies that sometimes I can't decipher fact from fiction. So to me, a pill that will make us more detached from the events that are happening in our lives makes me uneasy. Isn't part of living...learning? And without living through emotions, without experiencing pain tied to certain experiences aren't we robbing ourselves of valuable life lessons? They say this pill won't erase the memory of the event but it will make you essentially numb to the bad feelings that the memory brings. I realize this pill could be very useful for treating symptoms of PTSD, however I think there always needs to be a great amount of caution when using any drug to numb feelings, no matter how severe. By drugging a symptom you are truly just masking the cause and not fixing a thing.

Personally, I'm not sure I would take a pill that would erase my emotions. First, I have seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and given I learn most of my life lessons in a dark theatre, I know how this one ends! I also know there is a lot of wisdom to be found in pain. Because of the pain I have lived through, I know what I want out of relationships, I know what I will and won't put up with, I have learned the importance of telling those you love how you feel about them as often as possible, because I know what the pain of not doing so brings. I know the pain of being seen as ugly and as a result I have a much better understanding of beauty. So, although I've lived through some painful moments, as everyone has, I am with Bob Hope in saying, "thanks for the memories". While this may be a drug for some people, I say thanks but no thanks, that's too tough a pill for me to swallow!

Unprotected Sketch - Family Style

2009-02-09T13:22:00.001-08:00

At this past Friday's Unprotected Sketch show at Second City, my mom and Tony flew out special for the occasion! It was awesome that my mom and Tony finally got a chance to see one of my shows. I figured it was best to break them in with some Improv before they saw my stand up, which can be much more nerve racking that sketch. My brother and Julia also joined and so did Jami and Res. Paul was nice enough to come and see the show again. He has probably seen the show more than any audience member ever in attendance. It was a lot of fun and great to have the support of my wonderful family and great friends.

Sunset Junction a.k.a. Funnest Day Ever!

2009-02-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

If there is one big lesson I took out of 2008, it was that it's much better to have a friend in a band, than it is to have a boyfriend in a band. Ilya and I decided to go see Mikel play at Sunset Junction, an annual Sunset favorite, and had one of THE BEST Ilya and Stacy days ever! We spent the early afternoon walking around people watching as we waited for Mikel and The Airborne Toxic Event to begin their performance. The day was a lovely, 103 degrees and all the beer in the world couldn't convince me that I wasn't about to pass out from heat exhaustion. At one point, I kept telling Ilya that the world was going dark and I was about to pass out. I downed a beer and a hot dog and all was well again.After ATE's performance Ilya and I, in rare groupie form went "backstage", which was more of a back gate than anything, and said hello to Mikel. Like a true rock star, the last time I had seen him was when he stumbled off into the night, pissed off for some reason beyond me. Ah, the life of a tortured romantic musician! Suffice it to say, Mikel was better to admire at a distance. Today, ATE is gaining popularity and has a regular presence on all the local radio stations. It is great to watch him succeed in something that is so dear to him, and it is well deserved, ATE is an amazing and talented band. Ilya and I found ourselves going with Mikel and the band to some random bar which felt like an oasi. The mixture of cold beer and air conditioning meant that we weren't about to leave this dark bar and venture off into the hot hot heat and LA sunshine anytime soon. Why do I look so much more posey in this picture than he does?But not in this one!!! Ah, the drunken Jollet's - Mikel and his big bro.Now this guy was hilarious, his name is Tim and he is from a band called "The Movies". Not only does he love to drink but he is a self professed lover of black girls...HI YO! This is the back of Anna. If you are a regular watcher of Leno, Letterman or Conan you would be more familair with the front of her. She is in Airborne and plays the violin...and the tambourine.You aren't truly a local of Los Angeles, until you have been drunk at some random person's, indie band house party in the bowels of Sunset Junction, dated a rising musician and vowed to never date another musician. And for 2008, I was a local Angelino...and in 2009 I am happy to say, I have moved away and onward.

Bikini Mama

2009-02-05T10:35:00.000-08:00

It is almost swimsuit season...you know what that means! In exactly three months I will be standing in front of a full sized mirror under harsh fluorescent lighting swearing I will never eat again and cursing my terrible body genes. Unfortunately I am cursed with a low threshold for starvation and an affinity for eating, to put it simpler, I am screwed. I wasn't blessed with a model's ability to eat under 500 calories a day and I certainly am not one of those women who are blessed with a naturally thin body. If I want to be thin I need to work hard for it. Daily gym visits, food logs, dessert deprivation AND even then, I still have curves. Skinny rail thin women say how badly they want curves, how they wish they had a butt or hips. If only they knew that with curves, came the constant threat of looking heavy even with the tiniest jump of the scale. I run double digit miles every week, I play soccer, I do pilates and I even recently cut out all refined sugar from my daily plate. Even with this I still am no supermodel and I am still not the ideal candidate for 7 jeans. Society is harsh on women, case and point, Jessica in her mom jeans....
The truth is that yes, this girl is a little heavier than the Jessica we know, but she is by no means heavy or fat or even thick. This is a girl who gained 5 pounds or so and picked a terrible outfit for her current body type. And yes, this is a crime in itself, given that she has stylists, tons of money and the looming threat of criticism. Often times I think that with money to spend on nicer clothes other than my current choice of cheap synthetic Forever 21 clothing, I would look much more attractive and stress less on how what I am wearing makes me look even fatter. But how is a normal girl like me supposed to feel attractive when the ideal of beautiful isn't Jessica Simpson plus 5 pounds? Especially when the normal woman is Jessica Simpson plus 20 pounds?

To remain beautiful in society's eyes requires constant and vigilant attention and deprivation. We don't have it like men do. Most men don't have the unfortunate voice in their head that says...I can't walk around naked because my ass is too big or my thighs are too giggly. Men are lucky in that they can look like ass but still walk around like they are Brad Pitt circa Thelma and Louise. And when a girl does walk around, unconsumed with her body flaws - - case and point -- Jennifer Love with her buxom floaties, she is attacked and criticized for letting herself go.
I do agree, Jennifer is not the picture of perfection here, however neither am I. And if I had to pick a body type that I felt mine looked like in a bikini, I would have to say that Miss. Love and I have more in common here than we don't have in common. As bikini season nears, and my naked anxiety increases, I am plagued by the idea that sometimes, the only thing harsher than the terrible fluorescent lighting in the dressing room, is society and their unrelenting views on beauty.

Bush Eloquence

2009-01-27T09:31:00.001-08:00

How to feel like an ass

2009-01-26T10:55:00.000-08:00

Paul and I went on our weekly outing to Disneyland this Sunday. I say weekly, but I more so mean that for the past 2 Sundays we have gone to Disneyland and I am hoping the trend sticks...therefore I am calling it "a weekly trip". Mind you we aren't die hard Disneyland freaks. I don't get decked out in a Mickey sweater. I don't wear a "I'm Grumpy" t-shirt and we certainly don't walk around Disneyland wearing our Annual Passports around our necks in a plastic protective sleeve on a lanyard with tons of Disney pin flare for the tourists to covet. Not that there is anything wrong with that - - I am just saying, that isn't us. We are more so quiet Disneyland dwellers that appreciate the magic that is Disneyland for a couple of hours on Sunday and then go home to our Mickey free home.I have been to Disneyland more than a handful of times and I thought I was familiar with most of the attractions there. BUT this Sunday we stumbled upon Mickey and Minnie's house in Toon Town. Toon Town at night is a desolate area. No one goes there because it really doesn't have much to offer in rides and it is mostly just fun toony-type things to look at. But we went and visited Minnie and Mickey's house. I don't want to give the wrong impression here, seeing as this is a place that prides itself on family entertainment, so I should clarify that they live in separate houses. Although they are in fact direct neighbors. I am not sure if they met before they decided to be neighbors or if one day Minnie unassumingly moved into the house next door as Mickey checked out the hot mouse tail that just became his neighbor. But once again, I digress. So we toured Minnie's house which was a parade of girly pink and fluff.As you can see Paul made himself comfortable on her loungy chair which sat next to her vanity mirror with over sized perfume bottles and too much makeup. I never knew Minnie was in such close approximation to the vain women who have bathrooms stuffed to the gills with MAC and Smashbox makeup...though I should have known, after all she is a mouse from the O.C.

We then made our way to Mickey's bachelor pad next door. Though I am convinced it is all for show and that Mickey in fact spends most of his nights shacking up at Minnie's powder puffy home. Mickey had all the typical guy stuff. Sports gear lying around, mops to give off the impression that he was super clean. A music room, which I am sure he brings the ladies home to and plays the piano contraption to get them all a flutter.--sorry Minnie.

Anyhow, we walked through Mickey's entire house enjoying the cool cartoony views. Making sarcastic comments here and there...because that's how we do. And at the end of the house after we walked through his kitchen, his music room, his garden...we found ourselves in some sort of holding room with children and their parents. Clearly, we were waiting for something but we had no idea what. The kids seemed somewhat excited when the over enthusiastic Disney worker asked them what was waiting for them behind the door....they all shouted Mickey!!!! Paul and I looked at each other with the look of "oh we are so lame" We then found ourselves reluctantly waiting in line, mind you behind 10 small children...to get our picture taken with Mickey. We were going to leave, but didn't want to be rude house guests so we got our picture taken. I didn't get a chance to ask him why Minnie and him haven't taken the plunge, we didn't get a chance to have a beer with him and see what he has been doing since his latest film...but we now have a picture together with Mickey Mouse with no child to speak of in the picture with us, which would have made it a little more normalized. I think this puts us in a different league however I still refuse to wear Disney apparel and mom jeans. Maybe someday...in a land far far away. But not today!

Charlie Pooba

2009-01-26T10:43:00.000-08:00

Seeing as I got Charlie from the pound I always wondered about his roots. Where did he come from? What did his mom-dog and dad-dog look like? Well it looks as if his roots are gaming casinos, drinking and fire dancing. Tatonka!

SOCCER FANS!

2009-01-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

My brother and I grew up playing soccer. We spent many weekends chowing down on orange slices and drinking capri suns compliments of the weeks soccer mom. My brother has always been a huge sports fan when we were kids. He was always going to baseball games, watching football and playing basketball. In the last couple of years he has become a raging soccer fan. More specifically, a Barcelona fan. I would venture to say that he has more Barca paraphernalia than players who are actually on the Barca team. He recently took his love for the game to a new level and created a very cool website called http://www.barcaloco.com. Be sure to check it out and pass it along~

Our Public Schools Fail Us....Once Again

2009-01-16T11:45:00.000-08:00

Maybe it was nerves-or possibly the glare of the stage lights BUT if you are a contestant on a game show whose basic requirement is that you can spell, it should come as no suprise that you will also be expected to read.

Watch more Wheel Of Fortune Fail videos on AOL Video

More Christmas Fun

2009-01-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

Paul and Caroline mid flight
Me, Paul, Caroline and Paul's dad on the family boat cruise around Newport Harbor

Caroline, Paul and I at his Paul's Aunt's House.

Bring on the Yummy!

2009-01-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

Ilya has done it again! She was the one to introduce me to the great website called Smitten Kitchen where I have discovered tons of great recipes. And now she has sent me another great website that promises to make me just as fat http://www.applesandbutter.com/. You can plan to see some great experiments of mine soon from here!

More on What I Should Have Asked Santa For

2009-01-06T13:57:00.001-08:00

I think it is a good idea to keep a running list of things I want but haven't or cannot buy for myself. I am sure this will be useful for my family and loved ones who I stress out by always responding with a, "I have no idea what I want" when my birthday or Christmas rolls around.

I LOVE to cook and sometimes I want to grill something for dinner but don't want to cook it on the BBQ. Also I sometimes want to make pancakes or lots of french toast and I only have a few pans, none of which are big enough for large foodie jobs. So I want a double burner grill to get the job done! These things not only make cool grill marks on chicken and steaks but could probably make a mean massive helping of french toast too!

I dream of having a big kitchen to put lots of cool cooking gadgets in that I can whip out and whip up lots of delicious things for people. Until then though I don't think there is anything wrong with stockpiling cool kitchen gadgets and stuffing them into my small kitchen...right. My mom tells me the secret to her amazing cheesecakes is all in her mixer. So if I ever have any hope of carrying on the fattening cheesecake baking tradition I am going to need one of these!

I resolve to...

2008-12-31T11:29:00.000-08:00

I must start by making it clear that I am not big on New Year's Resolutions. I find it humorous that people think they can change their lifestyle simply by making it a resolution. I don't know anyone who has ever said, "I quit (insert vice here) on New Year's and I hasn't been a problem since". I do think it is important to stay in tune with yourself, to note your areas for improvement and work continually towards those things. What can it hurt right? Even if it is all for not, at least we'll know the areas we should be focusing on to make our lives and those who love us lives better.

1. Stop Cyber Stalking: I am guilty of it and I am not ashamed to admit it! I cyber stalk. I look up people on the Internet, I search for people on Facebook, I even Google people unnecessarily. I have a need to know how people's lives are going, I compare their accomplishments to mine and I silently weigh who is "winning". I am a shameless coveter. I covet other people's lives and undoubtedly romanticize their reality. I sometimes have to remind myself that nothing I see online, no pictures, no relationship status is a true barometer of happiness. I can't tell how happy someone's life is by their profile on Facebook. What is more important is living my life and finding happiness in my reality.

2. Walk Away From the Sugar and No one Gets Hurt: I have a long standing love affair with sugar, and though it has dramatically decreased over the years it still exists. When I was younger I would eat ice cream for breakfast and a Snickers for lunch. I once became a vegetarian because I thought the only other food group was candy and nothing seemed greater than eating sugar for 3 "square" meals a day. I would eat bags of candy I would visit Cold Stone twice a day. I was a sugar binger and I did it with reckless abandon and no fear of judgement. The biggest tole that candy has on me is not weight gain but terrible fatigue. I have to imagine that my fatigue is attributed at least somewhat to my mass consumption of sugar as a child and my bouts with sugar that I still have today. I am a huge believer in balance and I think that with a healthy balance of sugar in my life I will reap a lot of rewards. I am however worried about how Candy Corn will fare with their huge loss in their profit margin.

3. Patience is a Virtue I Hear: I have no patience. When I make my mind up that I want something and if it is within my power I will get it...if it isn't within my power I will pout. I don't know where I missed out on learning patience but I did. I am pretty sure there are lots of pearls of wisdom in this task. I think learning patience will mean not making purchases of items that I end up re-selling on Ebay a few months later, not eating as much candy, not wasting today just to get to tomorrow and not feeling so rushed to get through every task and feeling so restless all the time.

4. Take A Hike: I need to walk Jack and Charlie more. I have bouts where I walk them every day and feel so good about it and then it seems to fall away. It doesn't make much sense either because it makes me so happy to see them happy and walks make them both so very happy. Jack and Charlie deserve to take walks, to sniff all there is to sniff around the neighborhood and to show their cute fuzzy faces to the neighbors.

5. Get My Groove Back: Moving, a new job any sort of big change breaks up your groove and I have had many big changes this year. My workouts have gone from 5 days a week to 1... if I am lucky. I use to read about 30 books a year and now I am down to 0 in the past3 months. I need to get back into my groove and begin working out like I use to and pick up a good book to read.

6. Grow: I want to always be learning and growing in some way. Whether it be by taking an art class, volunteering or reading I want to be sure that I am always challenging myself and becoming better.

7. Show More Love: I am lucky to have great friends, a wonderful family and someone I love very much in my life. Somedays I think I am great at showing love and other days I know I could do better. I want everyone in my life to never doubt how much I love them, how proud I am of them and how much I value their place in my life.

I think I could list a couple more (not sure if that is a good thing) but I will stop at 7. 7 is a lucky number and 10 is too many to remember and be able to focus on. Happy New Year everyone hope it is a great year for us all!

My Late Santa List

2008-12-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

This Christmas I couldn't think of anything I wanted. I felt like I had everything I needed and was at a loss for coming up with anything my heart desired for the holiday. As luck would have it, it wasn't until AFTEr Christmas that I began to think of all the things I should have asked for...here is my late list to Santa:

1. A bike: I really want a bike to ride around the neighborhood and use to go run quick errands. I can't decide if I want a beach cruiser or a mountain bike but I have narrowed it down to some sort of bicycle with 2 tires...is that redundant?

2. An Ipod docking station: I have been using a laptop or the lame music channels on cable TV but I want something that I can play all my wonderful music on. I have big plans to sit on the couch, listen to music and drink wine.

3. A New Black Pea coat: I have a very pretty white one and an old black one that is so tattered and old it isn't so pretty anymore. I did get a new black jacket for Christmas last year but I hate it. Hate is a strong word I know, but it isn't at all flattering, looks like an old lady housecoat and it has bad juju all over it.

4. A membership to a Krav Maga Studio: I have wanted to do Krav Maga for a long time now. I have a unrelenting desire to be able to be unassuming and dangerous.

5. Art Classes: I love to draw but I haven't ever taken an art class. I think I have the makings of a decent artist but I need someone to help me channel my inner Picasso.

If nothing else I guess I have a very early jump start on my Christmas list for 2009. Thanks Santa! See you next time.

Cute Confused Puppies

2008-12-29T13:23:00.000-08:00

Three Confused Pugs @ Yahoo! Video

Christmas Time Is Here

2008-12-26T23:13:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Tree in All Its Glory

Jack's eyes don't like the flash either

Charlie guards his new bone

mmm...french toast breakfast, it's even yummier on Christmas

Santa Jack

Paul and his mommy

Charlie guards all his loot

Charlie loves his stocking treats

Christmas Cheer!

2008-12-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

Coming home with the new tree!

Charlie investigates the new tree. I am hoping it is not a pre-pee investigation.

Freeing our tree from captivity.

Putting Charlie into captivity.

Paul puts his first Christmas ornament onto the tree which is what else... a golf ball with lipstick on it...the lipstick was an after sale addition.

A preview to what Charlie will look like on Christmas morning.

Jack admires the sparkly.

The presents that I wish could go under the tree but alas' are safer on the couch.

2008-12-18T22:31:00.000-08:00

Twas the week before Christmas and Paul and me hadn't yet gotten our first Christmas tree.

So we went hunting for our perfect tree...one that would be love by all 4 of us equally.

We saw lighted reindeer and flocked Christmas trees...It was a cold wintry night we worried we may freeze.

Paul found a tree but it wasn't just right...we continued to search even if it took all the night.

Paul searched and searched but his quest wouldn't end...money was no object for the right tree, we would spend!

We looked for signs to lead us to a tree...we needed to sniff one out, too bad we didn't bring Jack and Charlie.

I found a tree I thought was the perfect choice...but then I heard a small little voice.

It told me to keep searching the perfect tree was yet to be found...we hadn't yet covered quite enough ground.

There were so many it was like a needle in a haystack...once we made our choice there was no turning back.

I could feel it in my bones our search was coming to a close...and luckily it happened before we both froze!

It was our Christmas Tree in all it's glory...so this is the end of our Christmas tree story...

Our search was worth it to Paul and me...because we finally found our perfect tree.

Our hearts are so filled I'm sure that they've grown because we are taking our tree to it's new home!

Christmas Wrapping Jack

2008-12-18T18:57:00.001-08:00

Yummy Yummy Cookies

2008-12-18T18:22:00.000-08:00

It's or should I say tis' the holiday season which means there are a lot of people to make fat in the tummy. Sometimes I think I have an old Italian woman trapped inside of me because of my insatiable need to cook for and feed people. If I had a captive audience, the money, endless ingredients and the time I would relish being in the kitchen making yummy foods. Until that day comes I will have to savor the moments that I do have to cook for others.

This Christmas has been a slew of baking and great recipe finding and I have stumbled upon some great cookie recipes. The Salted White Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies are the perfect mix of sugary salty goodness. Think the same yummy that comes with a good kettle corn. The delicious Homemade Oreo Cookies are a great shout out to a classic! I was a little worried making them as they seemed hard to make but they were actually very easy. The difficult part came in not eating the icing as there was a lot left over.

I do need to clarify however, that these recipes are not my own and I have been shamelessly stealing recipes off of a wonderful website called smittenkitchen.com. If you have the time check it out, it's beautifully written and has amazing photographs. My only caution is to avoid it when you have hunger pains.

Salted White Chocolate Oatmeal Cookies
Adapted from Cook’s Illustrated

The original recipe didn’t have white chocolate in it, but it really works wonderfully in here. Even if you’re a dark chocolate fan. Watch out, use the good stuff and this may even convert you.

1 cup all-purpose flour

3/4 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon table salt

14 tablespoons (1 3/4 sticks) unsalted butter, slightly softened

1 cup sugar

1/4 cup packed light brown sugar

1 large egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 1/2 cups old-fashioned rolled oats
6 ounces good-quality white chocolate bar, chopped (not “white chocolate” chips; they’re almost always artificial. I am adamant about this.)
1/2 teapoon flaky sea salt (like Maldon or fleur de sel) (for sprinkling on top)

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line baking sheet with parchment paper or Silpat. Whisk flour, baking powder, baking soda, and table salt in a medium bowl.
2. Beat butter and sugars until light and fluffy. Scrape down bowl with rubber spatula, then add egg and vanilla and beat until incorporated. Scrape down bowl again. Add flour mixture gradually and mix until just incorporated and smooth. Gradually add oats and white chocolate and mix until well incorporated.
3. Divide dough into 24 equal portions, each about 2 tablespoons. Roll between palms into balls, then place on lined baking sheets about 2 1/2 inches apart. Using fingertips, gently press down each ball to about Â¾-inch thickness.
4. Sprinkle a flake or two of sea salt on each cookie
5. Bake until cookies are deep golden brown, about 13 to 16 minutes, rotating baking sheet halfway through. Transfer baking sheet to wire rack to cool.

Homemade Oreo Cookies

For the chocolate wafers:
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup unsweetened Dutch process cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) room-temperature, unsalted butter
1 large egg

For the filling:
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) room-temperature, unsalted butter
1/4 cup vegetable shortening
2 cups sifted confectioners’ sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1. Set two racks in the middle of the oven. Preheat to 375 degrees.

2. In a food processor, or bowl of an electric mixer, thoroughly mix the flour, cocoa, baking soda and powder, salt, and sugar. While pulsing, or on low speed, add the butter, and then the egg. Continue processing or mixing until dough comes together in a mass.

3. Take rounded teaspoons of batter and place on a parchment paper-lined baking sheet approximately 2 inches apart. With moistened hands, slightly flatten the dough. Bake for 9 minutes, rotating once for even baking. Set baking sheets on a rack to cool.

4. To make the cream, place butter and shortening in a mixing bowl, and at low speed, gradually beat in the sugar and vanilla. Turn the mixer on high and beat for 2-3 minutes until filling is light and fluffy.

5. To assemble the cookies, in a pastry bag with a 1/2 inch, round tip, pipe teaspoon-size blobs of cream into the center of one cookie. Place another cookie, equal in size to the first, on top of the cream. Lightly press, to work the filling evenly to the outsides of the cookie. Continue this process until all the cookies have been sandwiched with cream. Dunk generously in a large glass of milk.

Enjoy!

Come One Come All, Just Come!!!

2008-12-16T16:41:00.000-08:00

After spending over a year working at Second City, the moment has finally come for my first Friday night shows which will run January through February in Hollywood. Please come see us, we have been working really hard to come up with a sketch comedy show that would be not only hilarious but also awesome and inappropriate!

Why I Love Christmas

2008-12-15T15:22:00.000-08:00

I have always loved Christmas. Even when I was 5 years old and there was a stretch of time when I was sick for many Christmas' in a row, I still love Christmas. Even though I live in California and almost every Christmas is an unChristmas-y 90 degrees outside I still love Christmas. I love Christmas for so many reasons so I thought it was worthy of a list....

My Why I Love Christmas List

Because you can feel Christmas in the air. It is the crispness that comes mid-November and stays in the air throughout December. It is the freshness that changes the colors of the trees, it is that chill that you feel the minute you walk though the front door to face the day. Christmas brings a chill in the air that oddly warms up your heart.

Because Christmas music makes me feel hopeful and warm. I am one of the offenders that begins listening to Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving when select radio stations prematurely pump it out on the airwaves. Sure I go into stores and join the crowds of people who say, "They are playing Christmas music already! It isn't even December!" BUT inside I am singing right along with the music.

Because I love wearing bulky jackets - just give me a couple of nights where it dips below 60 degrees and I will throw on my peacoat, boots, scarf and gloves. And every year rationale escapes me and I am convinced that if I wish for it hard enough it will snow!

Because I love Christmas movies. I adore sitting in front of a fire on a rainy day with all the windows open, snuggled up under a blanket watching Christmas movies. If I could magically become a character in a Christmas movie I glady would. Make me an elf living in the South Pole...I will gladly become any of the Ghosts of Christmas Past...I would love to be any of the Who's in Whoville...I don't care! It doesn't matter to me, to have the chance to live in a magically lighted village snuggled deep in the snow somewhere where there is nothing but Christmas joy all day long...come on!!!!

I love the possibility in Christmas. Although Christmas has changed - which I have quickly found is the largest downfall of growing up - I do look forward to the next Christmas chapter. I can't wait to have kids of my own so that I can make Christmas' as magical as the ones my family made for me.

Speaking of Christmas' past I have had so many wonderful ones. One Christmas my mom covered the tree with cute little boxes each containing a clue to our big surprise present (which turned out to be bunny rabbits) AND to make that Christmas even better as my brother picked up his new rabbit it bit him so by Christmas evening I had TWO new bunnies! On another Christmas my brother and I decided to stay up all night on Santa patrol...late that night I swore I heard something on the roof but he had fallen fast asleep so to this day I have no witness to the event. I remember bits and pieces of many Christmas' and each one makes me so happy inside.

So Merry Christmas to all...no matter your reasons for loving Christmas all I can say is...I am with you!

Charlie Waits...

2008-12-08T23:52:00.001-08:00

I have two dogs who are each motivated by very different means. Jack is motivated by anything slightly edible. I say slightly because he has been known to eat paper, string, aluminum cans and even beautiful crown molding. Jack will do anything for food, he adores to eat and unfortunately due to extensive surgery he is voraciously hungry and relentlessly skinny. Charlie, on the other hand is purely motivated by attention. He is insanely jealous and wants to be the center of everyone's universe. He does however have one great new love, Paul. Whenever Paul leaves the house, no matter if it is a few minutes or even a few hours, Charlie sits and waits at the door staring at it intensely willing it to open. It is quite sad actually but also a bit promising, after all they say dogs are wonderful judges of character.

Deliciousness

2008-12-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

For the Thanksgiving holiday I made 22 dozen -- YES 22 dozen chocolate chip cookies for the nurses at the hospital as well as an extra batch for Paul to take to work. I think the secret to a great batch of cookies lies in the chilling of the dough in the refrigerator for a few hours to let the ingredients to meld together.

Now I Know!

2008-12-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

I have always wondered what Jack and Charlie did all day long. Because there are sometimes signs when I get home, I know somedays they wrestle on the couch. Some days Jack eats the papers that I mistakenly leave on the coffee table and sometimes when they are feeling extra frisky they empty their toy basket and, from the best I can tell, proceed to strew them about the entire house. But I have always wondered what they actually did all day long. Maybe they have friends over that I don't know about. Maybe they discovered how to turn the TV on and watch the Dog Whisperer all day, which if so they haven't picked up one damn morsel of knowledge from.

Well, wonder no more...now I know what they do all day from cold hard surveillance. http://www.ustream.tv/channel/wetodddid (Obviously this link is not always activated...since I am not into broadcasting myself when I am doing important things around the house like staring at the TV eating. I have some respect for privacy....Jack and Charlie have nothing to hide...I apparently do.

Another Day Up North

2008-12-03T22:21:00.000-08:00

Now the story goes....the buffalo on the wall of this random breakfast place, somewhere between Morgan Hill and Half Moon Bay, actually talks. However when we were watching him he didn't utter a word. I am thinking he was probably worried about dropping his bow.

Bocce Time!

2008-12-03T22:04:00.000-08:00

After a great birthday horseback riding we all rallied and went to dinner and to play bocce ball. I was so very tired but since the girls won the game and schooled the guys it was worth staying up.

After dinner and tiramibirthday cake I was still a hungry hippo.

An evening at the winery

2008-12-03T21:55:00.000-08:00

After a long day at golf my mom, Tony, Paul and I went to the Clos Le Chance Winery to have some yummy turkey day left overs, drink some wine and listen to jazz...the jazz was a guy with a guitar playing cover songs of Jack Johnson but nonetheless it was a nice way to end the day.

My cute boys!

2008-12-03T21:46:00.000-08:00

Happy Horse Day...NEIGHHHHH

2008-11-29T16:45:00.000-08:00

Every birthday and Christmas I only ask people to get me one thing...a horse. And sadly I have made it 31 years sans horse. This year even though the losing streak still remains I did have a horse themed birthday. First, my brother got me a really pretty painting of a horse for my house and second I spent some time with my mom, Tony and Paul in Half Moon Bay horseback riding. I still don't have my horsey but this year was the closest I have ever gotten!

Fore! It's Golf Day

2008-11-28T22:23:00.001-08:00

WARNING!

2008-11-19T15:42:00.000-08:00

Click on this link only if you have hours on end to waste and nothing important to tend to because I PROMISE YOU this much you will be unable to tear your eyes from the screen!!!

http://cdn1.ustream.tv/swf/4/viewer.45.swf?cid=317016

Unprotected Sketch

2008-11-18T12:10:00.000-08:00

Last Night

2008-11-18T08:53:00.001-08:00

Just to reiterate my strange dream tendencies...I had one last night that was concerning. The dream started quite nicely. I was under water in the ocean watching sea cows eat and swim. The difference with these sea cows compared to real life sea cows is that these cows had feet, as in they were actually shaped like cows and walking on the ocean floor. Just as they are in real life they were adorable. I was talking to my brother (he was there swimming with me in my dream) and remarking at how adorable these sea cows were. Seconds later a huge fierce lion came out and began attacking the sea cows--this ended the nice portion of the dream. The lion was trying to eat them and I screamed in horror...I wanted to protect the sea cows but the lion had them pinned against some coral. Mind you, this is all still taking place completely under water. Then out of nowhere comes a herd of zebras that begin to attack the lion. Five or six zebras jump on top of the lion and then begin to tear him apart. Thankfully before the fierce zebras did any further damage to my psyche I woke up.

So this morning I logged on to the dream deciphering website and according to them here is what I could piece together about my strange dream:

Ocean: To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquillity and renewal.

Lions: To see a lion in your dream, symbolizes great strength, aggression and power. You will overcome your emotions and/or difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents royalty, leadership, pride and dominion. You have much influence over others. You may also need to exercise restraint in your own personal and social life. To dream that you are attacked by a lion, indicates that you have many obstacles to overcome. You must resist the force that is driving you to self-destruction.

There was however no listing about what it means to have the lions torn apart. So I compromised and looked up violence.

Violence: To see violence in your dream, indicates unexpressed anger or rage. You need more discipline in your life. The dream may also reflect repressed memories of child abuse.

Zebra: To see a zebra in your dream, represents perfect balance, unity, harmony, and the attraction of opposites. Alternatively, it signifies that you are spending too much time in trivial and varying matters you need to establish a mindset and lay your groundwork for some solid stability.

There was no listing for a manatee or a sea cow so I just picked cow.

Cow: To see a cow in your dream, signifies your obedience to authority without question. It symbolizes your passive and docile nature. Alternatively, it represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for. For some cultures, the cow represents divine qualities of fertility, nourishment and motherhood. To see a herd of cows, indicates your need to belong.

Given all of this here is what I think my dream means:
I am at a time of change in my life and I desire to be cared for, however I am driving myself towards self-destruction and standing in my own way of what I am working towards. (hmmmm, this is good stuff!) BUT then enter the zebras...my self imposed obstacles can be overcome by stopping myself from obsessing over things that don't matter and working towards a mindset of stability and solid ground.

After interpretation my dream makes a lot more sense to me and is actually quite relevant. Maybe there is something behind our dreams after all.

Dreams

2008-11-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

I have freaky dreams. They are always vivid and sometimes leave me feeling foggy and unsorted when I wake up. Last week I had a dream that there was a twig growing out of the center of my head. When I called to ask my mom if she remembered me getting hurt when I was little, or something that would account for a twig growing out of my head she replied, "oh yeah, when you were 5 you fell out of a tree, that must be what it is from." I woke up in the middle of the night and felt my scalp to see if it was indeed a dream - - obviously... it was. That same night I went back to sleep only to dream that my boyfriend's mom was Vanna White and he said she was a very private person and didn't like him to tell people about her or introduce them to her. Now I am not an expert in dream interpretation but I am sure there is some deeper meaning to these dreams beyond the fact that I am weird.

As a kid I always had terrible scary dreams. I would dream I was dying, being chased, losing my teeth, struggling to put contact lenses the size of plates into my eyes. All strange dreams and all very vivid. Recently I have dreams about spiders, swimming in a lake with alligators and the always popular trying to run but unable to stand up. I have now found a website that is dedicated to the interpretation of dreams and will help me to decipher what my subconscious is trying to tell me...beyond that I need a much less active imagination.

http://www.brilliantdreams.com/dream-dictionary/dream-dictionary-c.htm

Unprotected Sketch

2008-11-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

none of us were in love with the scenes from Sunday's show but here is one just because.

An Old Entry

2008-11-11T14:33:00.001-08:00

A few months ago, when I embarked upon Internet dating I started a separate blog to track my dates and go through somewhat of a virtual therapy session for it. I made a separate blog because I had a few reservations about the judgement that would be passed for my new venture. Internet dating has a lot of stigma tied to it and although many people are using as a way to meet people these days it still seems to have a little negativity tied to it.

Here is my entry from a few months ago as I began my Internet journey...at the time I had no idea that a great guy was just a few torturous dates away.

The couch is getting unbearable. I bought it from IKEA a few weeks ago. I thought that after a few days of breaking in it would be tolerable to sleep on. But each night I find myself tossing and turning counting the minutes until daybreak, wondering if I should move to the floor instead of fighting the small width of the couch. I have learned to tolerate the incessant pain in my lower back that only someone who couch sleeps can understand. My sleeping arrangement has turned into somewhat of a joke among my friends, because really, if you take it too seriously it is somewhat pathetic.

It has been over a month now since I came home that Sunday to find my entire house empty. My asshole boyfriend of one year, the boyfriend who wanted to move in together in the first place, had spent the 4 hours I was away from the house moving everything out of our place. We had been fighting for some time and I had already mentally set December as the month I was going to end it if things hadn't turned around...but I didn't expect it to turn out like that. I was thinking of a more civil breakup...maybe one that started with, "we're just not right for each other" and maybe ended with something different than leaving the other person with no bed to sleep in, no couch to sit on and only an empty apartment filled with the stench of regret. When I left that morning I told him to tell me what his plan was after he told me we should go our separate ways. Had I of known that his secret plan consisted of renting a U-Haul the minute I drove away, so that he could sneak away with no responsibility or respect I wouldn't have been so eager to leave. I may have spent the afternoon taking a nap in bed if only I had known that would be the last good sleep I would have for some time.After moping for an entire week I was over him and our relationship.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't have the occasional relapse and ache for someone to hold me...but as far as my feelings for him, I didn't and I haven't missed him for a second. The difference with this breakup though is that I wasn't bitter or filled with trepidation about getting back into a relationship. I felt ready to embrace someone to come into my life and begin a relationship that was functional and void of object throwing and name calling. I wasn't into meeting some douche bag at a desperation-filled bar and I certainly didn't have much of a company pier to fish off of so I thought I would take the leap and give Internet dating a try. What could it hurt right? Once you get over the stigma of it all Internet dating isn't so bad. So I made a mental list of all the reasons why Internet dating made sense:

1. Meeting guys the traditional ways i.e. bars, grocery stores (although I think this only applies to romantic comedies), through friends (although my friends lag in this area and have no viable leads) never works out well.

2. I work a lot and need an efficient means to meet someone.

3. People tend to be a little more upfront and honest (or so I've heard) on the Internet.

4. I will be able to get to know someone in a non pressure virtual environment to feel them out before I meet them.

5. What do I have to lose?

Five reasons was all I needed...maybe I was a little worried if I tried to make more reasons I would lose my nerve so without a further thought I jumped right in and made my profile.

In Theatres this Holiday Season

2008-11-07T09:04:00.000-08:00

Seriously? Does this not make you want to stare for 2 hours and eat popcorn? Yes Ilya, best movie ever!

You Win Some You Lose Some

2008-11-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Last night was an amazing victory for hope and for this nation. While I do have reservations about Obama's lack of experience I believe that he has the wisdom, the heart and the determination to change the face of this country. And to that effect, we had someone in office for the past 8 years who had a great deal of experience and look where that got us! To say that this election is a moment in history is an understatement. The election is a long time coming tide of change and of hope. My Obama buzz was squelched this afternoon when I heard the news that the local tally's have been counted and Prop 8 passed.

I have driven past the Yes on Prop 8'ers every morning for the past few weeks. Their chanting, their determination of telling others that they are going to hell if they support gay marriage, their intolerance--all of it is stomach turning. "Preserve Traditional Marriage" is their belief. My question is, "What is traditional marriage?" America's divorce rate is more than 50% and last I checked that rate climbs each year. By that statistic traditional marriage is where two people get married, have children and then get divorced. Maybe I am out of line here but traditional marriage doesn't sound like it is working! Why would we want to preserve something that is so flawed anyway. Shouldn't we be focusing on passing something more effective like, "Institute a waiting period and compatibility test for all marriages?" Wouldn't it be better time spent if we focused on what was broken in our society and why most of our marriages are failing in the first place?

To make matters even worse, in Arkansas, a proposition was passed which forbids any unmarried couple the chance to adopt a child. I don't understand the mentality that gay people are incapable of raising a healthy, happy child. The sexual relationship of parents - as long as it is healthy - is of no consequence to the child's well-being. Let's face it no child wants to hear, see or think about their parent's having sex - regardless of whether or not their parents are gay. If I were a child allowed to pick my own parents, I would surely pick a household of acceptance and love over choosing a household solely because it came with a "traditional family". Taking away anyone's ability to adopt a child and provide a them with a loving and safe home is a tragedy.

It is clear that we are on the brink of much needed change in this nation. We have elected a black (half black) president and I can only hope that we continue that tide of change in the years to come. If we continue on this horizon who knows, maybe one day we will live to see the day when we have two first ladies. One can always hope.

Oh Tina Fey How I Love You!

2008-10-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

Charlie and I in the Comics

2008-10-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

This is what Charlie and I would look like if we were on Sunday morning cartoons...

Wedding Pics

2008-10-22T10:42:00.001-07:00

Here are some more wedding pics from August that I pillaged off of Julia's Facebook page.

Second City

2008-10-22T10:03:00.001-07:00

Older Second City

2008-10-21T08:19:00.001-07:00

Second City Show

2008-10-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

Oktoberfest - It's German for Drunk

2008-10-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

The law can no longer keep their love apart...

Prom circa 1994

Spillage

Grrr is that a bear skin jacket you're wearing? Everyone has the right to bear arms.

Kelly and Niccole

The universal sign for truck driver honk your horn

Who bites their lip to do the chicken dance?

Weak chins

Why Today is the Saddest Day

2008-10-16T08:47:00.000-07:00

Has this economy spared no one? First Starbucks had to close down under performing stores in order to stave off bankruptcy rumblings, then the stock market took tremendous hits. Banks started to close their doors clients ran to withdraw their money from accounts while the banks still had money in the vaults. The American dollar is declining in value every day. We live in a very scary world in very scary times. This morning my world came to another crashing hault when I learned that no one is safe in today's economy...now it is coming after our sacred childhood memories! Ladies and gentlemen brace yourselves while I break some very tragic news to you. Mother's Cookies are no more and will be closing their doors! As of this Monday the Oakland, CA-based company abruptly closed their doors and filed for bankruptcy protection, citing the rising costs of fuel and supplies as the reason. A number of people lost their jobs in the closing and the country lost an iconic cookie.
Now I have a new worry...global warming caused me to worry that my children and my children's children would never see the majesty of a polar bear in real life because of the melting polar ice caps and their decline to extinction. Now that fear had been replaced by the even more impending fear that my children will never know the deliciousness of a pink iced circus cookie bear. Oh the horror!

Paul's Love for the Peanut Brittle

2008-10-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

So Much Delicious In One Picture!

2008-10-11T07:45:00.001-07:00

How Do I Love Thee

2008-10-11T07:34:00.000-07:00

I heart candy corn. It isn't even the normal kind of love it's the kind of love that is obsessive and stalkerish. I love candy corn so much that were it a person I would consume my life with it, I would follow it wherever it was, shower it with gifts and smother it with love and affection and then devour it. I can tell good candy corn by the way it looks in the bag. While some may believe that candy corn is an easy thing to create...I forgive you for your ignorance but strongly have to disagree. It is quite hard to get the sugar to wax ratio exact in order to arrive at the best tasting candy corn. Too much wax and it is like eating a candle...too little wax and it is chalky in your mouth. But when you get that candy corn that is the perfect mix of the two you get a little piece of heaven. The only thing better than a good candy corn are those delicious candy corn pumpkins which only come around once a year during Halloween time.

OH CANDY CORN HOW I LOVE YOU, I wish I knew how to quit you!!!

DisneyTimes

2008-10-11T07:18:00.000-07:00

Cockroach Stompers

2008-10-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

I was packing last night to get a jump start in my move back to Orange County. It was a great weekend and I was feeling productive and excited about getting things in order for my move. I wasn't more than 10 minutes into digging through my hallway closet when out came the largest, hairiest, scariest cockroach I have ever seen (which isn't saying much since I have only seen maybe 5 cockroaches in my time). This hairy crusty thing ran out and then ran quickly back into the closet. I am not sure if cockroaches have ears but I think my screaming had something to do with his retreat back into the darkness.

I called my boyfriend, Paul (I am sure that he will be happy that the first time I decide to publicly declare him my boyfriend and transition him from virtual anonymity is through a story about a cockroach) I made him stay on the phone with me as I desperately weighed my options of what to do with the roach offender.

Obviously my first move was to go into my bedroom closet to put on a pair of boots to keep a safe distance between my bare toes and that fuckers erratic antennae. I then put Paul on speaker phone (I am fast forwarding past the part where I asked him a few times to drive for an hour over to my house to take care of this for me--in hindsight I realize I didn't actually cry which I should have done...maybe then he would have come). There was a lot of screaming involved as I moved the chair in the closet and the cockroach bolted towards me. I took the black heel in my hand and tried my best to smash him. I am not sure if it was because I had my eyes closed or if the roach was so large that he managed to lift my shoe off of him but it took me three hits to finally make contact. When the madness commenced I realized I was out of breath, shaking and sweaty. My throat was also a little sore from screaming.

I am not proud of the fact that I was so terrified, nor am I proud of the fact that I have cockroaches (let's be honest what are the chances that's the only one?). My apartment which I once considered to be kept fairly clean and orderly has now transformed to the most disgusting filthy feeling place on earth.

Once I gained my composure I thought I would commemorate this experience and pay tribute to the fallen roach on my blog...maybe it is strange but I don't think anyone should face a tragedy alone - - so I am making lemonade out of a roach which in some countries is quite the delicacy.
What I have learned from my cockroach experience:

I am a girl. I pride myself on being independent, self sufficient and pretty brave. This experience has taught me that I am a huge girl..girly girly girl. After I finish this blog I am on my way to go on a shopping spree to buy an entire wardrobe of pink and wear a tiara.

I wouldn't last past the second round of Fear Factor. I could do the scary daredevil round but when it came to the eating bugs, sitting in bugs letting bugs crawl all over you portion of the show...I would have to fold and go home.

I am terrified of cockroaches. I thought I was only really scared of insects with necks like praying mantis', grasshoppers and crickets. But cockroaches don't have necks but still manage to scare the living crap out of me.

When I get married screw the for richer or poorer, sickness and health vows...my marriage will require a strict, "my husband must kill any insects, rodents, and any other creepy crawly thing that comes along" policy (Although this is a gross overstatement it doesn't change the fact that I am considering picking out a mail order husband from Moscow).

And because I believe in the power of the interweb in all it's glory I googled cockroaches and found some very fun cockroach facts that I thought I would share with you:

Interesting and Disgusting Cockroach Facts

Number of legs on a cockroach 18
Number of knees on most cockroaches
40-- Number of minutes cockroaches can hold their breath
75 -- Percentage of time that cockroaches spend just resting
Some female cockroaches mate once and are pregnant for the rest of their lives
Better Check Those Cracks in the Wall Young cockroaches need only a crack as thin as a dime to crawl into.
Adult males can squeeze into a space of 1.6mm or the thickness of a quarter.
Cockroaches can run up to three miles in an hour. (I will attest to this fact since when I missed the cockroach the first 2 times with my shoe I was convinced he was running towards me at a dead sprint.
And the most concerning fact of them all...Cockroaches can live for up to 3 hours WITHOUT THEIR HEAD!

Ramblings from a Rambler

2008-10-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

Life can change in a instant. A few short months ago I was in an empty house sleeping on a air mattress wondering what else life could throw my way to test my strength. Now, I find myself in transition to a new job, moving back to the city where I grew up, in a relationship with someone who makes me happier than I can remember ever being with someone EVER...and still sleeping on an air mattress. At the end of this month I will be starting a new journey and I couldn't be happier or in a better place in life.

Goodbye LA Walk

For the last couple of mornings Ilya and I have decided to document our last days together. Today I bring you....the Starbucks walk.

This is typically the moment where a homeless man tries to make sexy times with me or Ilya or where Ilya yells loudly about the weather.
Oh Starbucks, how I love you. Your venti shaken black iced teas, your venti iced red eyes...my inability to ever order you sweetened for fear I will be judged over the mass quantity of Splenda that I put in you. I can't quit you downtown LA Starbucks....if only there were another Starbucks on this planet...wait what?
Ilya loves her some Starbucks too. She gets a butter croissant - which is important information to note should you ever be asked to bring her something back from a Starbucks run.

Halloween Costumes

2008-10-02T10:48:00.001-07:00

It's Free Candy Season and that means pumpkin carving, candy, scary movies, candy, costumes, candy and watching It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown and CANDY. Deciding on the perfect Halloween costume is always difficult so I am hoping some of these may move you to inspiration:Erik and Julia as Adam and Eve...very realistic minus the shoes, the cars and the light posts

Josh in his Prince debut...(not sure if I have posting rights for this picture but whatev)

Or a fat bee
Or a cute little pea in a pod like Gracie (Jenny, she looks a little upset that you dressed her up like this)

Or cute little Scooby Doo like Christopher...who seems to have tamed the pissed off pea.

One of My Favorite People

2008-10-02T10:34:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite people in the world is my brother. Although we spent much of our childhood trying to murderize one another we have grown very close as adults. Childhood with my brother was constant bickering, incessant teasing and heated fights involving him chasing me to my room to do nothing short of killing me. Growing up all my friends had crushes on my brother he however was more interested in staying in his room to play video games. During one of my birthday sleepovers, with about 12 of my closest friends, I realized that throughout the night one by one each of the girls were disappearing. When I went to investigate where everyone was going I went into my brothers room, only to find him on the bed playing his video game, surrounded by 10 girls that he wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of his room.

My brother was not what you would call "protective" growing up. Guys could call me names, spread rumors about me and I could be in fights without any hope of having him to back me up. But as we have gotten older he has made up for lost time and I can depend on him to be somewhat overprotective when I am in the company of douchebags...and I know he is always there for me if and when I need him.

I was once told that it is important to be close to your siblings because they are the only one in life who knows exactly what you have been through and who shares your same story. I am glad that my story is shared with a person like him.

My Favorite!

2008-09-24T17:10:00.001-07:00

Too much douchery for one picture!

HOPE Over 3 Years

2008-09-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

Ilya and I's awesome photo shoot for HOPE

At the Bankers Bus Tour with Ana Cabral (she signs all the money in the U.S.)

Serving as the Mistress of Ceremonies (I know I did not chose the title) at the Bankers Bus Tour in Los Angeles

Our early morning safari in South Africa

Rachael, Ilya, John and I with Ambassador Young in South Africa

Famous sculptor, Tina Allen (sitting to my right) who sadly passed recently from complications of a heart attack. Tina has sculpted tremendous bronze scuptures of famous African American leaders.

A picture I took in New Orleans one month after Katrina

The HOPE group after the Silver Rights Breakfast in Atlanta

Reverend Cecil "Chip" Murray's visit to the corporate office

2006 Holiday Christmas Party with Ilya, Rachael, John and Sheila

Woman-ing the registration table in Anacostia

At the Private Bank and Trust board meeting in Chicago

On the rooftop in Washington D.C. with Leslie and Wendy after the Anacostia Economic Summit

Some of the ladies at HOPE

CRA Luncheon Event at the Federal Reserve Bank of LA

John, Rachael and I

The HOPE Banking Center Staff on a community street day in LA

The End of the Road

2008-09-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

It is official, last week I accepted a job offer with Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach and will soon be moving back to Orange County. I thought this would bring only good feelings but it has put me in a moment of reflection and has made me take a good look at the tremendous amount of things I have to be thankful for that my stay in LA has blessed me with.

What I am thankful about from my LA stay:

1. I was part of something amazing - I worked at a tremendously stressful but nonetheless amazing place while in LA. Operation HOPE has a strong mission, a visionary founder and is changing lives throughout the world. Because I was blessed to be part of Operation HOPE I have been to amazing places and I have witnessed amazing things.

I have been to South Africa and went on a safari. Also while I was there had a chance to sit with former Civil Rights leader, Ambassador Andrew Young and listen as he told me stories about he and Martin Luther King's work during the movement. I have been on the trading floor of Wall Street and was part of the opening bell ceremonies at the NASDAQ. I have sat in President Clinton's foundation office in Harlem. I have met amazing people like famous sculptor, Tina Allen who sadly passed away recently. I have sat with Reverend Cecil "Chip" Murray the Chair of the Tansy School at USC and famed leader in Los Angeles while he talked to me about life and love. I have flown to and explored great cities like New York, Chicago, Washington D.C., Atlanta and Philadelphia. I have salsa danced with the Mayor of Los Angeles in Washington D.C. and I have met many other people who are a celebrity in their own right and doing their part to change the world for the good.

2. Entering the Comedy World - Had I not lived in the Pasadena area I don't know if I would ever of gone to the Ice House and auditioned to be a part of their stand up comedy show line up. One fateful Saturday afternoon almost 2 years ago, I went to the Ice House and joined 100 others as we auditioned to be in the show. I was armed with 3 minutes of funny and a whole lot of ignorance. I was lucky to have made the cut along with 7 others and began the fun and often times intimidating world of stand up. Had I never done stand up I wouldn't have signed up at Second City and started doing improv, something which I have grown to enjoy a tremendous amount.

3. My New Friends - I have made some great friends through my work that I will miss seeing every day but I look forward to making the trek past the orange curtain to visit them. Friends like Ilya, who makes me laugh and gives some of the best advice in the world, even though she prefaces it with, "Now although I have no personal experience in this area here's what I think..." And Rachael who is a great mother, a great listener and an overall amazing person and Emily who is so very fun, smart and great to talk to. She just moved here from SF and I am sad that I haven't had the chance to spend a lot of time with her now that she lives in LA.

4. Relationship Wisdom - Probably the most painful part of moving to Los Angeles was what it brought on the relationship front. For the first time in my life I went on dates with guys I barely knew (in the past I only dated people I worked with or was friends with before hand) which was so depressing. After casually dating a couple of guys I was left thinking, "If this is all that's left then I should just get to it and get my ovaries removed and get busy with adopting cats." Okay maybe a little over-dramatic but it was greatly depressing thinking that the dating pool was only filled with douchebags.

I began two relationships both which ended terribly. One with a guy who lied to me and had a fiancee on the side and the other who seemed like a great catch only to turn out to be an asshole and a coward. But in the end it forced me to face two of my greatest relationship fears; being betrayed and lied to and being left. Facing those two things has really taught me a lot about myself and about what I deserve from the person I am in a relationship with. I am better because of the pain I faced in those relationships and I have stumbled upon a great new relationship chapter that I am looking forward to growing.

I am excited and nervous as I begin to transition back to OC and out of Operation HOPE. But I can say whatever tomorrow brings, I welcome it with open arms.

Pictures Freed From the Vault

2008-09-18T17:48:00.001-07:00

It feels good to be able to look at certain pictures again. Here are a couple that have been freed from the vault and so very happy to see daylight! Starting with this one which is cropped to perfection...if you catch my drift!

The Beauty and Deliciousness that is Magnolia Bakery - New York

Mary showing off her purchase of yummy

Even more delicious....Sushi Samba SoHo
And Scene!

Jack's Cute Nose

2008-09-17T16:53:00.002-07:00

Best Part of My Day

2008-09-17T16:53:00.001-07:00

The best part of my day today is that I have met a great guy...and he seems to like so many things about me and not just my french toast and it feels wonderful and amazing to have someone feel that way about me. It's been too long! And the kicker is....he's pretty awesome too.

The publisher would like to make a public apology and clarify that while this story implied that the mystery person had just been met that day, he was in fact met much earlier than that day. He was actually met weeks before this post. We apologize for any confusion and blame it on the misinterpretation of the reader more so than the publisher. - Good Day

Second City

2008-09-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the scenes from Sunday's Show

Me and the Reigning Champion of the "Favorite Person of the Week" Title

2008-09-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

and yes, if you are wondering that picture in the background is indeed a picture of Ilya's forehead.

Favorite Person (People of the Week!)

2008-09-15T12:22:00.001-07:00

World, meet two of the coolest people to ever grace the planet. One has been here for some time (Ilya) and the other has recently joined this world and has since made a huge splash. I swear that isn't a chunky joke although Aaron Franklin Doff is the cutest most roly polliest of all babies. Aaron is the baby of Rachael, who is my co-worker and more importantly, my friend.

Aaron was born in April and since then has been the newest employee of Operation HOPE, and I may add it's cutest and probably it's hardest working. Seriously people, this kid spends most of his waking hours at the office and he never cries or complains (which is far more than the rest of us to manage to do). He is passed around from person to person and goes from office to office spreading his baby love and cheer. Aaron joins an already large clan and has two older brothers and one older sister all of which are amazing kids so he has a high bar set for him.

And the next awesome person is Ilya!!! Ilya is the loudest talking, funniest, and greatest person. She is awesome at listening to my incessant complaining about various topics, laughing at all of my jokes, going on daily Starbucks trips with me and loudly telling random strangers on the street that I like them and want to make sexy times with them (which as inappropriate as it is....it is equal in hilarity!) If ever I want to laugh or be picked up out of a bad mood I go directly so see Ilya and she fixes me every time! And to add to the amazing things about Ilya, she also does magic and can balance a baby on her lap with no hands!

Second City

2008-09-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

More Shows

2008-09-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

Gammie and Baba's Millionth Wedding Anniversary

2008-09-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend was my grandmother and grandfather's wedding anniversary. I am not quite sure which one it was but I am inclined to say it was somewhere around 60th-ish. I love spending as much time as I can with my grandmother so it was great that she felt well enough to go out to lunch and enjoy her anniversary. She was a little banged up and recovering from a fall but she's quite the trooper. I also think her hand brace gives her some street cred.

Camp Memories

2008-08-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

I just got back from spending all of last week up at camp and had a great time. Our camp has been in transition for many years and it was great to be back up at TaTa Pochon, the place where I began my camp journey 10 years ago. I wasn't sure that the week was going to work out but after a series of hiccups me and 90 kids, 24 counselors and 2 dogs found ourselves in Big Bear. One of the best parts of camp this year is that I was able to bring Jack and Charlie to enjoy the week with me.

Camp was filled with great kids from all over the LA area and a few from Orange County. My favorite group was the smallest kids who are all so very cute and full of energy. When I was at flagpole getting the kids ready for lunchtime two 7 year old girls came up to me and said, "Stacy, are you married because you are so beautiful!" Now, if that isn't the sweetest thing I have ever heard in the entire world...after I said I wasn't they continued, "Well, do you have a boyfriend?" I shook my head, no. "Well then we will find you one because it is not possible for someone like you not to have one." I laughed and they then proceeded to point out all the guys at camp asking, "What about him...or him...or maybe him he's cute." Never mind the fact that every guy they picked out was barely over the age of 18, I guess that goes to show that when you are 7 years old someone older than you is just older than you. And someone 30 matched with someone who is 18 isn't quite a match made in heaven but nonetheless I appreciated their effort and concern for my relationship status.
Jack and Charlie surprised me greatly. You have to understand that Jack tends to listen pretty well since he is 10 years old, Charlie however is a firecracker and when he is free he tends to have A.D.D. in full force. On the first day at camp I kept the both of them on a leash at all times, convinced that if they were let off the leash they would find a squirrel to chase deep into the woods and I would never see them again. On the second day I let them off the leash while I was in the cabin and tried my luck. To my absolute surprise not only did they not run off, the stayed on the cabin porch and quietly stood there as all the campers walked by them. From that moment on they were free to roam camp as they pleased going from camper to camper to get scratched and get affection. They even got to cuddle with Evelyn in the morning on her bunk.
By the time we got home Jack and Charlie were dirty as ever, tired like they've never been and most importantly VERY VERY HAPPY!
The week of camp is filled with a lot of fun activities and themes throughout the week. Some of the themes we had up at camp included a Crazy Hat lunch, Pajama breakfast, Baby Lunch and a Birthday dinner.Down the mountain at home, there are things many of us take for granted. A warm shower is one of those things. Showers at camp are rare and when you can steal a minute to take one you consider yourself blessed. I came to the Birthday Dinner all freshly rested and super clean from a shower. I even had some time to wash my hair and it was feeling wonderful and dirt free. The Birthday Dinner is a fun time where each kid sits at the table marked with their birthday month and at each table there is a special birthday cake for everyone. After the main dinner was over I walked around the dining hall to pass around knives to cut their cakes with. Unbeknowst to me Louie, the camp cook was plotting to smash a cake in Chris, a counselor's face since it was his birthday the following day. As I got to the last table to hand them their knife, which was coincidentally right next to Chris, Louie smashed a cake full force into the side of Chris' head and the shrapnel of the frosting and cake fluff hit me...I had half a cake in my newly washed hair and all over my clean clothes...but the good part of the story is that for the first time in 10 years I took 2 showers in one day at camp!To understand how important camp is to me I have to tell you about the Raggers program. The Raggers program is a symbolic very meaningful program that encourages youth and adults alike to set challenges for themselves and work towards those challenges throughout their lives. There are multiple colors of Rags with each one representing a different challenge. I happen to be on my Red Rag which I got last year. The Red Rag symbolizes Sacrifice and for my challenge I set the goal of getting our core group to go back up to TaTa Pochon, the camp that me and all the counselors I have been going up to camp with for many years began at. We haven't been to TaTa Pochon since 2004, when the YMCA of Orange County cut the camp from their week offering. We then found ourselves at other camps each summer but missed TaTa tremendously. I don't know how many more years of camp I have left in me but I knew that it was very important for me to try and make going back to TaTa a reality for our group.
The picture above is of Chris and Daniel, two counselors who have been going to Y Camp with me for ten years and were even going to Y Camp before I ever even knew it existed. Chris and Daniel started going to TaTa when they were at Brywood Elementary School. They are now both in college and still coming to camp. These two guys are amazing and I was so happy to be a small part in making the week possible for them. I went up to camp saying that this was my last year, that I needed to close this chapter of my life and begin taking a week off of work to take a "real vacation" instead of using it to go up to camp every year. But after the campfires, the laughs, the meals, the chapel's...the kids....I can't say that I won't be going up next year to my camp home and to my camp family. It's just too hard to let go of and still very much a part of me. When I am at camp I feel like I am living my truth, I feel like I am at my best. My smiles are genuine and I feel them in every part of me, my heart is open and I feel like the world makes so much more sense up there. Camp is a place where every day you feel loved and appreciated by everyone and I am not sure that I'm ready to let that go just yet.

I needed camp more than ever this year...at a time when so much love has been taken away from me I needed to go to a place that I could depend on making me feel better and making me feel special. Camp has always been there for me and for now, I am there for camp.

Acy's

2008-08-15T13:49:00.001-07:00

More Wedding Pictures

2008-08-06T09:32:00.001-07:00

Old School Pictures

2008-08-05T16:51:00.000-07:00

Some of these pics are older than others but my brother put together a great slide show for the wedding and here are some of my favorites from it. The picture above just cracks me up...

Carrots, Eggs & Coffee

2008-08-05T14:41:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me this cute story...probably to cheer me up and help me through the times when I seem to be throwing a pity party. I thought it was cute and worth sharing.

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; she was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.' 'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but aftersitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean? Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a
fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you;

To those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life. May we all be COFFEE!

Wedding After Party

2008-08-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

After the wedding was over Tracy threw a wedding party at her mom's house in Newport. The place was sick! It had a living room overlooking the ocean and all the windows in the living room recessed so it turned into a sort of outdoor living room. We were all tired but tried our best to rally.

The bouquets are delicate?

2008-08-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

Remember how I mentioned before that we handled the bouquets with the up most care before the wedding? Well, after the wedding Jaycie proceeded to treat them as a football/carnival game and we punted them, threw them around and did mock wedding bouquet do-over throws. And surprisingly, they held up pretty darn well, who knew!

Reception Pics

2008-08-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

Me and my mommy

One of my brothers closest and best friends, Jared. Just to give you and idea of how far we've come the picture below was taken around the time that we first met Jared.

He use to be teeny teeny tiny and I use to have big ole glasses so luckily things have changed for the both of us.

Ray, who is a great friend to Julia and Erik AND a great friend to me. Ray has come to most of my comedy shows and is always there supporting me. Josh is Tandi's husband and hilarious and wonderful. Tandi and Josh just got married a few weeks earlier.

Not that I am one of those annoying people who immediately say to a newly married couple, "When are you going to have children?" But I have to say that when the day comes where my brother has children he is going to be an amazing father. I have known that for a long time just because of how wonderful and amazing he is as a person but watching him with his new niece was so great to see because it just reminded me how wonderful he is with kids. She was having a ball dancing with him although it wasn't totally clear who was leading.

Tandi and Me

Bob, Geoff and his wife Natalie and Doug's daughter Casey.

I have known Doug since I was 16 years old and worked at his company, Page One. Erik, my brother also worked with Page One and Doug has become a great friend over the years to us both.

Pre Wedding Fun!

2008-08-04T11:03:00.001-07:00

Some of the most fun I had with the whole wedding process was getting a chance to hang out with Julia, Tandi, Jaycie and Tracy. I hadn't seen Jaycie and Tracy in close to or maybe even more than 10 years so it was amazing having a chance to reconnect with good friends. On Friday night we spent the entire night drinking champagne and reminiscing about high school. We stayed at the Marriott overlooking Newport Beach so it was even cooler being able to hang out with high school friends in the town we grew up in. When we went to buy alcohol for the hotel room it was funny to think that this was the first legal purchase of alcohol that I had ever done with this group. It is so amazing to see that a group of crazy girls have grown into amazing women that I am blessed to have as a part of my life.

In high school, when Jaycie, Tracy and I would meet guys and introduce ourselves they always thought we were messing with them. If it weren't odd enough that all of our names rhymed we were inseparable in high school and it became a funny joke that our names sounded as if we were cheerleaders. If you knew these girls today, and in high school for that matter they are FAR from cheerleaders. Which is why I love them sooooo much!

I made the bouquets in the morning out of flowers that Tandi, Jaycie and Tracy scoured Orange County for the night before. I didn't have any greenery to put into the bouquets so on Saturday morning I went on a hunt at the hotel and cut them out of the trees surrounding our room. What can be better than a bouquet with a back story! We were so cautious with the bouquets and I think we were convinced that the slightest jolt to them would cause them to wilt and die and we would be left with having to carry wilted brown flowers down the aisle.

Julia looked amazing of course. The first words that the chauffeur said when she saw Julia was, "wow you have such a flat tummy" to which her sister replied, "Isn't it amazing, you can't even tell that she is 8 months pregnant."

Wedding Rehearsal

2008-08-04T11:01:00.001-07:00

Tandi, Tracy, Julie, Me and Jaycie at Erik and Julia's Rehearsal Dinner

I am so sad that Tandi isn't in this picture with us because then it would have been perfect. This pic was taken of our group in high school....me, Tracy, Jaycie and Julie hanging out in the back parking lot at Uni.

Jack

2008-07-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

Julia's Bridal Shower!

2008-07-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

On August 2, 2008 my brother will kiss single life goodbye and will marry a wonderful wonderful person, Jules. Jules and I were very good friends in high school and after years of losing touch...agree that we never would have saw this coming. Life is funny that way. Sometimes the best things come when they are least expected.

Natalie, Jules and Tandi

Tandi and her awesome mom Bonnie

Emily and My Aunt Pam

Contractions

2008-07-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

The good thing about breakups is that eventually the pain fades away. No matter how heart wrenching and painful the pain fades. One minute you're crying uncontrollably and the next you're filled with hope. Hopeful for what tomorrow has in store for you. The hard part is you can never time those moments. You can't tell if the time when you're in a work meeting is going to be the moment that you feel hope or the moment you're going to be overcome by desperation. Desperation so intense that anybody who makes eye contact with you can send you into hysterics.

When going through a break up, your feelings are not your own. They belong to the moment and the moment is as unpredictable as a teenager on prom night. And for everyone the breakup recovery time is different because it's not a science, it's an art form. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could log on to a website, complete a survey and get a compiled analysis based on our responses to how long we can expect to mourn over our failed relationship:

Were you married...add 70 days
Did he cheat...add 37 days
If you were together for more than a year...add 50 days
If you weren't the one to end the relationship...add 45 days
Did he turn out to be a complete pussy....subtract 22 days

Total Mourn Time: 180 Days

Someone once told me that it takes twice the time you were with someone to finally get over them. I'm not sure how much truth there is in that statement but I do think that recovery time is in direct correlation with how honest you are with your emotions. You can be stuck in anger, resentment or rage in order to help yourself get over a relationship...and for many anger may sustain their emotional safety for years. Or you can be honest with your emotions and embrace them as they come.

If you feel SAD...cry.
If you feel MAD...yell.
If you feel HOPELESS....eat...don't ever underestimate the healing powers of foods covered in salt, butter or sugar and all things dipped in ranch dressing.

Anger is a powerful thing, but it isn't real. Anger isn't the pure emotion it's the reaction that we get when we feel sad, scared and hopeless. I'm guilty of moving to anger. In past relationships anger was my dear close and trusted friend. When I went through a break up it would carry me with such ease that I would sail from one relationship to the next. Thinking to myself, "Well clearly I wasn't in love with that person, because if I was, how the heck could I be doing so well right now?"

But in the end it always caught up with me. I even got back together with some ex's because once my anger high crashed me into the ground of sadness all my true emotions bubbled back up. Instead of realizing that these were skeleton memories I thought they meant I still loved the guy...so I got back together with him only to find myself in the midst of repeat break up months later. It was like some really messed up torturous Groundhog Day.

Don't get me wrong, there have been a few relationships I regret walking away from and wonder what would have happened had I stayed. But the truth is, and forgive me for sounding like a stitched grandma pillow, everything happens for a reason. Should I have stayed I may have never learned all I have about relationships at this point in my life.

I was just in a relationship with someone I thought I knew. The truth is that I met him, fell in love with him and four months into the relationship things began to fall apart. He stopped being the sweet person I was in love with and began to become resentful and quick tempered. The scary thing is that people change over the years. Someone you knew for years and years may do something so out of left field that it leaves you feeling like you never knew them at all...but inherently if the love is there I have to trust that it will see you through.

If I am going to continue to be honest with myself I would have to say I knew there were red flags throughout the relationship but instead of running away, like I have a tendency to do, I stayed and tried to work on it. I spent months on a recon mission trying to find the man I fell in love with. But as the great and wise Oprah always says...trust your gut, and I publicly apologize to you now Ms. Winfrey, I did not take your infinite wisdom.

In all my past relationships I've always known when my gut was telling me to walk away. Somehow my gut knew better than I that my dating journey wasn't over yet. I still had places to go, guys to kiss and guys to regret...I still had bars to visit, places to dance and movies to go to.

Relationships have so much to do with timing. I've met people that I could picture myself settling down with only to find that he was still in the, "I would rather go to a club or bar than watch Netflix with you and BBQ on Friday night" phase. I am starting to think that relationships have much more to do with timing than with love. If the fate and timing gods smile upon your courtship...then maybe you get lucky and your paths stay crossed and time won't lead you astray.

I have digressed from my initial point. Breakups are hard...they are harder than hard...they are torture. They turn you upside down, they make you fear things you never found scary before like listening to the radio, going to certain restaurants, eating certain foods, traveling to certain locations, seeing certain pictures.

The world suddenly becomes saturated with couples...suddenly it seems like everyone is getting married or having babies or finding someone wonderful....everyone except you. But I find comfort when I try to realize that I am mourning the death of the relationship, the loss of something I thought life had in store for me. In my current situation (and many of the ones before) I am starting to realize that my pain isn't that much about losing them, it's about losing what I thought they meant to my life.

I am in day three and I have to say my breakup contractions are growing further and further apart. My empty house seemed less scary this morning and I can only hope that tomorrow it's even less so. Maybe next weekI will be able to look at his picture without getting a lump in my throat and hopefully next month I can go to a somewhere we use to go to together without feeling like I have rubber bands around my stomach.

And maybe...just maybe in a few months time I will be able to smile back at that one guy and begin a new chapter using all I have learned in this relationship to make the next journey better.